Coral

Today on Mother’s Day, I was forced to walk out of the hospital with empty arms…for the second time. Another goodbye I never wanted to say. Another heartbeat I’ll never get to hear again. For almost 72 hours, we lived through a nightmare. A second time for me, and a devastating first for Tim. So much trauma that shook us to our core. There was a moment, one I can’t even talk about yet, because we are still processing, where Tim thought he might lose me too. I was fading, and I know he felt powerless. We were both breaking in real time, begging for a different ending. But we didn’t get one. I didn’t think it was possible for the broken pieces of my heart to break even more, but today they did just that. There is a scream that is living in my bones. A silence that echoes louder than anything. We had dreams, plans, so much love ready for her. Instead, I left with nothing in my arms… again. She head a strong heartbeat up until she was born because she was just too tiny to survive on this earth, there was nothing that should have made this happen. We are left with no answers to our question of “why?” 💔 Just like with Luna, we don’t know why it happened 🥺 No mother should ever have to walk out of a hospital without her baby. And to have to do it twice? 💔 It’s unnatural. It’s cruel. It’s every kind of wrong. I’m left with a body that remembers what it meant to carry, and a heart full of love with no one to hold. But she mattered. She was real. She is ours. And now, my Luna…my fierce, glowing girl… mi mariposa, is carrying her baby sister for me. She’s holding her tight in whatever space exists between here and heaven, until I can hold them both again. I am a mother of four. Two live in the stars. Two hold my hand here on earth. All four are my whole world. Everyday is one day closer to both my girls 💜🌙☀️ #childloss #broken #griefandloss #heartache #pregnancyloss #babygirl #grief #babyloss

“Now you have two angels in heaven.” People say it like it’s supposed to bring peace…but I didn’t want angels. I wanted Luna & Sol… ALIVE. Breathing. Laughing. Growing up together. I wanted sticky fingers, sleepless nights, scraped knees, bedtime stories, and sibling fights. I wanted them. Here. With me. Heaven may hold them now, but that doesn’t make this easier. It just means my heart broke twice…& somehow, I’m still standing in the wreckage, carrying their light #broken #childloss #griefandloss #angels #lifeafterloss #childhoodcancer #pregnancyloss #stillborn #soleskye #lunazoe #grief

Today we did something no parent should ever have to do. My heart ached sitting it what shouldn’t ever feel like a familiar place. Signing the same papers, having to making the same decisions for another one of my children 💔 We sat in a funeral home, making arrangements for our daughter, Sol. Planning her goodbye instead of her future. Choosing ashes instead of a lifetime. There are no words big enough for this kind of pain, only the scream inside, and the silence that follows. We’re heartbroken. We’re shattered. And we carry her with us… always. @battle_dispatch_dreams #childloss #broken #soleskye #griefandloss #funeral #pregnancyloss #grief

#pregnancyafterloss #cerclage #tilteduterus #lifeafterloss #pregnancyjourney #pregnancyupdate #coralfully #15weekspregnant #heaventsent

First trimester + anemia will do it 🙃 #pregnant life #firsttrimester #anemia #irondeficiency #coralfully

#onthisday #braintumorawarness #pediatricbraincancer #diffusemidlineglioma #dipg #dmg #childhoodcancer #gograyinmay

She was real, she was loved, although we didn’t get to keep her I felt that these moments of joy she brought us should be shared. @battle_dispatch_dreams #childloss #secondtrimesterloss #pregnancyloss #grief #loss #lifeafterloss #bereavedmother #solskye #babyloss #gonetoosoon #father #grievingjourney #grieftok

It keeps happening. Different nurse, different floor, different day. But the same pain. Because no one fully checks the chart, or it’s just skimmed through and I’m forced to say it… again. I didn’t expect kindness to hurt this bad. But when grief is invisible, well-meaning words can cut deep. It’s not their fault. But it still wrecks me. Grief doesn’t get discharged. #childloss #secondtrimesterloss #grief #lifeafterloss #bereavedmother #griefandloss #pregnancyloss #pretermlabor